Treatment GuideJust DiagnosedSex & DatingAfrican AmericanStigmaAsk the HIV DocPrEP En EspañolNewsVoicesPrint IssueVideoOut 100
CONTACTCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
© 2024 Pride Publishing Inc.
All Rights reserved
All Rights reserved
By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.
A good friend lives in a small community three hours from Chicago. He recently retired from a conservative industry after a career spanning 30 years. So breathing the air of a conservative work environment in a conservative town, he learned the importance of keeping secrets. Being open and honest about his sexuality -- not to mention his HIV status was unsafe. With self-preservation being the number 1 priority, secrecy became his lifeline. We all know the importance of such secrets, whether staying in the closet when too dangerous or hiding our HIV status when the costs are too high. I know that I certainly do. I learned early on that there was something unsafe about being openly gay. I knew on a deep level the ostracizing and judgment that would accompany such a disclosure, either from family, friends, or church. I also knew the obvious stigma from being HIV-positive. I was 14 years old when HIV burst onto the national scene. Initially it was called GRID -- gay-related immune deficiency -- therefore managing to pathologize both being gay and contracting the illness. Such information penetrated me to the core, I now realize. I even realized it then -- the difference being that my turtle-like response to my concealing my true self was automatic, reflexive. It was, like my friend's response, self-protective. As I get more emotionally healthy, I realize that embracing the necessity of such a response is ultimately compassion for myself. In the past such compassion would devolve into victimhood, occupying the self-righteous anger involved when recognizing injustice perpetrated against myself. It has been all too easy to do so. And I would also argue understandable. After all, hiding one's identity out of necessity is known as "concealed stigma," that difficult state in which one knows one is labeled a pariah and yet needs to hide it from others. Complicated, to say the least. From my perspective, the pernicious nature of such hiding lies in its loneliness. Therefore, on our own we need to validate who we are while recognizing that we need to keep our authenticity from others. Ultimately, this is a puzzle impossible to solve. And it feeds a circular process vacillating between victimhood and shame. Either way, the road leads to symptoms -- whether of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or a myriad other problematic responses. As I have said recently, it appears to me that the most healing response to such concealed stigma as an adult is in community. There it becomes possible to integrate different aspects of the painful experience of hiding our authentic selves from others. We not only reveal ourselves to those with whom we feel safe but we're able to validate the real pain and suffering underneath such concealment. My friend struggles with this sense of community although it's slowly improving. He's more active in a variety of communities, HIV, leather, urban gay men, and this has started to slowly erode the anxiety he experiences when thinking he'll be "found out." However, he's recognizing that such a response has more to do with the environment he has lived in as opposed to the one he's living in now. This is true for myself as well. My automatic response is to hide, given the judgment I expect to receive from others. But I realize that I'm way safer than I was when I was 14. And that due to my own active participation in various communities, I am not alone, and in fact loved exactly the way that I am. Fransen is a licensed psychotherapist in practice in Chicago. He can be reached via e-mail.
From our Sponsors
Most Popular
The science behind U=U has been liberating people with HIV for years
June 04 2024 3:31 PM
As Pride party season begins, the CDC urges mpox vaccinations
May 16 2024 6:52 PM
Exclusive: We kiki with Q from 'RuPaul's Drag Race'
June 24 2024 11:37 AM
The freedom of disclosure: David Anzuelo's journey through HIV, art, and advocacy
August 02 2024 12:21 PM
The Talk: Thriving with HIV
May 08 2024 10:45 AM
The Talk: What HIV isn’t
May 07 2024 10:48 AM
Activist and philanthropist Bruce Bastian dies at 76
June 26 2024 1:28 PM
In honor of Juneteenth 2024, meet The Normal Anomaly
June 19 2024 1:39 PM
Plus: Featured Video
Latest Stories
Meet our Health Hero of the Year, Armonté Butler
October 21 2024 12:53 PM
AIDS/LifeCycle is ending after more than 30 years
October 17 2024 12:40 PM
Twice-yearly injectable lenacapavir, an HIV-prevention drug, reduces risk by 96%
October 15 2024 5:03 PM
How fitness coach Tyriek Taylor reclaims his power from HIV with self-commitment
September 19 2024 12:00 PM
Out100 Honoree Tony Valenzuela thanks queer and trans communities for support in his HIV journey
September 18 2024 12:00 PM
Kentucky bans conversion therapy for youth as Gov. Andy Beshear signs 'monumental' order
September 18 2024 11:13 AM
Why activist Raif Derrazi thinks his HIV diagnosis is a gift
September 17 2024 12:00 PM
Creator and host Karl Schmid fights HIV stigma with knowledge
September 12 2024 12:03 PM
Study finds use of puberty blockers safe and reversible, countering anti-trans accusations
September 11 2024 1:11 PM
Latinx health tips / Consejos de salud para latinos (in English & en espanol)
September 10 2024 4:29 PM
The Trevor Project receives $5M grant to support LGBTQ+ youth mental health in rural Midwest (exclusive)
September 03 2024 9:30 AM
Introducing 'Health PLUS Wellness': The Latinx Issue!
August 30 2024 3:06 PM
La ciencia detrás de U=U ha estado liberando a las personas con VIH durante años
August 23 2024 2:48 PM
Tratamiento y prevención del VIH por inyección: Todo lo que necesita saber
August 23 2024 2:41 PM
Sr. Gay World quiere asegurarse de que estés bien
August 23 2024 2:30 PM
Eureka is taking a break from competing on 'Drag Race' following 'CVTW' elimination
August 20 2024 12:21 PM
With a new case in Sweden, what is the new mpox outbreak and should you be concerned?
August 15 2024 4:48 PM
From ‘The Real World’ to real life: How Danny Roberts thrives with HIV
July 31 2024 5:23 PM